Our Unexpected Journey: Walking the Road of Infertility

Part One: On the Road Marked with Suffering

National Infertility Awareness Week has come around again, so I thought it would be a particularly fitting time to share the story of our journey to parenthood, which was not an easy one. We had been trying and praying and crying out to God for a baby for more than three years before we found out that our prayers had been answered. Infertility was definitely not a road we anticipated having to walk, and it proved to be one of the hardest trials we had ever faced. But our God is bigger and greater than the infertility, and what He worked on behind the scenes for all that time and ultimately brought to fruition was more wonderful than we could have ever imagined.

As a quick backstory, Alex and I were 21 when we got married, and our hope was to wait about 4 or 5 years before having children. We had spent our entire relationship and engagement 8 hours away from each other with very little time together in person, so we were eager to begin our marriage with a season of having time for just the two of us. As we approached our 6^th anniversary, we had worked and grown and enjoyed those years to the fullest, and we were ready (as much as one can be) to dive into the exciting and challenging phase of life that parenthood promised. We had discussed many aspects of parenting over the years, establishing a foundation of how we believed God wanted us to raise our children, and I’m still extremely thankful that we were given the time to do that well in advance. I also had spent copious amounts of time researching the processes of achieving pregnancy, carrying a baby, delivering a baby, and so on and so forth. We were well established in our own home with careers that promised more than sufficient income for the future. In short, from our perspective, there could not be a better time to grow our family, and because we had waited nearly 6 years by that point, we were very eager for this.

“In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9 

Little did we know at this moment that a far different course lay ahead of us, one that would stretch us and shape us unlike anything else we had previously walked through.   

The very month we planned to begin trying to conceive, my system stopped cycling completely. After a number of weeks, my little worry that something wasn’t quite right quickly grew into a major concern that something was very wrong. A visit to my doctor for some testing showed results of polycystic ovaries and accompanying hormonal imbalance. It didn’t appear too severe of a diagnosis, though, so the recommendation was to either take some medication to reinstate my cycles or wait it out a bit longer and see if it self-corrected. Our initial preference was to find a more natural solution, so I launched a full-scale action plan of taking multiple herbs and supplements, researching the issue and any natural remedies I could find, and obsessing over every little sign and symptom I noticed (often leading to negative pregnancy tests). As a couple, we spent much time in prayer and fasting for a breakthrough, joined by our family and closest friends.

When my cycles finally returned after nearly 8 months, we were ecstatic and certain that our turn to make a pregnancy announcement would be just around the corner. More than one wise soul recommended that I not become disappointed if there was still some difficulty in getting my body completely on track…and they were right. My hopes were slowly dashed again as my system struggled to normalize over the next 9 months. The pattern was always an initial phase of faith and hope, courageous prayers and thanksgiving, asking for prayer, etc. As I failed to see the symptoms I desperately hoped for, my fear would grow as my faith waned. Despair and frustration would battle against flickers of hope from day to day. After vacillating about taking yet another pregnancy test, I would finally bite the bullet…and always come up with a negative result. The first few days of the next cycle would always be filled with tears, disappointment, and heartache. Then the pattern would repeat, over and over and over.

As a side note, one of my least favorite aspects of infertility is the shadow it often casts on the joy that others experience first. Every baby is a miracle and every baby should be celebrated, so I find it heartbreaking when a pregnancy announcement is bittersweet because it reminds another couple of what they long for but have either lost or not yet received. Furthermore, it’s also heartbreaking that there are times when a couple who is expecting has to feel awkward or even sad about sharing their news with someone else because of the sorrow it will bring them. I do believe it’s vital to rejoice with one’s friends or family members in those moments to celebrate their miracle, and I believe it’s equally important that the first to conceive not wallow in guilt over their blessing. In the midst of our own struggle, we were watching so many friends and acquaintances making their joyous pregnancy and birth announcements. There were times when multiple friends would announce their pregnancies in the same day, and sometimes these were friends who were expecting baby number two or even three. Every time, we rejoiced with them, whether their little one was easy to conceive or had come after their own struggle. But for the sake of transparency, the truth is that I also shed tears in secret afterward, particularly when I had had a recent disappointment of my own. Those disappointments and the unfulfilled longing hurt like nothing I had ever known before.

After having waited many years to get ready for a family, I was so eager for motherhood that every month, every week, every day that went by left me feeling like I was so far behind where I should be. Coupled with this was anxiety over what supplements I should be taking, what wasn’t necessary, what I should avoid, what other parts of my diet or lifestyle should change, etc. My mind and heart were in a constant whirlwind! To brag on my husband for a bit, Alex was a perfect anchor for me in the midst of this trial. He was steady when I needed reassurance, he was so loving and sympathetic when I was in agony, and he would speak specific encouragement to calm my heart and remind me how much he loved me. Best of all, he NEVER made me feel inadequate in any way. If I had ever sensed that he blamed me or saw me as broken or pressured me during this process, I think I might have fallen apart. In all honesty, I was so fragile with all of the burden I was putting on myself, I could not have handled any additional pressure. So I thank him with all my heart, and while I’m on the subject, I also want to extend the same thanks to family and friends who walked with us during this journey. Every one of you were so full of encouragement, wanting to know how we were doing, but never being pushy about it, always offering your genuine love and support to us. I’m extremely grateful to all of you.

The months continued to roll by, and by the end of 2016, I was thoroughly emotionally exhausted. Two years of trying to conceive had come and gone with no success. Two years of wondering how to make plans for the future when you are actively attempting to have a baby, two years of imagining how different life would be with a child, two years of feeling like I was somehow running out of time. Two years of gut-wrenching agony like I had never known before. In my head, I fully acknowledged that there were others who had it far worse than I did, and although it was good to get out of my own head for a time to be reminded that others were hurting, too, there was also fear of the possibility that I would have to live through exactly what they had to. The truth is that while all of us who walk the road of infertility share a similar bond, each story is still unique, and each couple is most familiar with the pain they personally suffer with. So I still felt a degree of loneliness, swamped by my own sorrow. Holidays were particularly challenging times. I was usually more reflective during this season, more prone to think sentimental thoughts and thus be more mindful of how much we would love to share a special announcement with the world or be making memories of Baby’s first Christmas. I ended the year depressed and weary of struggling and suffering, feeling like a failure for not having enough faith, not being fully surrendered to God on whether we were supposed to have children or how those children were meant to come into our family. I just felt thoroughly broken. It was a dark place, but as I’ve come to learn, places of brokenness can become some of the greatest points of healing and wholeness in our lives if we will keep moving forward into His light. We have the choice to remain in the darkness or to step into the light, and believe me, it is FAR easier to stay collapsed in the darkness, and it’s simply impossible to move forward in our own strength. I personally faced many days where I honestly admitted, “I just don’t think I can do this any longer,” and like I said, what I have faced does not even compare in many ways to what others have gone through. For all who just don’t have the strength to go on, my prayer is that you will literally feel Jesus holding you together, keeping you from falling apart, until you feel enough strength return to take another step forward and another after that.

Part Two: Expect Wonderful Things

“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.” Luke 1:45

Years of hoping and praying for something wonderful and not seeing God’s answer will force us to make a choice: continue to believe in God’s goodness or give up and fall into distrust and despair. It is not an easy choice, even for the strongest person who has walked in intimate relationship with Jesus for years. Yet no matter the physical outcome, the rewards of holding on to hope are truly priceless. God’s best and final answer is often not what we expected or would have planned ourselves, but if we allow Him, His heart is to do infinitely greater than we could ask or imagine.

The year of 2017 passed in much the same fashion as the previous years had, with a strong push of faith and hope in the first half that dwindled to discouragement when nothing seemed to change as the year went on. By this point, though, I finally reached a point of surrender regarding fertility treatments. For years I had been fixated on a plan of restoring my body’s reproductive health naturally; I had tried so many herbs, vitamins, detoxes, chiropractic visits, acupuncture, diet changes, exercising, and more. But there was a point where I needed to surrender my pride and stubbornness to God and be willing to allow Him to work any way He saw fit. So we ventured into the waters of fertility treatment with three rounds of Clomid…but still no success. After the third round, my doctor recommended that we seek treatment from a dedicated fertility clinic, which was much earlier than I had expected to have to look into that option. Rather mechanically, I began researching clinics and scheduled an appointment at one that had received multiple positive reviews from my friends and connections. We had just passed the three-year mark of trying to conceive, and I was just emotionally numb by this point. The staff at the clinic were all amazing, though, and their professionalism and compassion was just what I needed to reach the final point of surrender and say, “All right, God, if this is Your plan for our family, I am ready and willing.”

After a couple of initial tests and bloodwork, Alex and I met with one of the doctors who walked us through our options and the specific process for the one we would choose. She was incredibly kind and hopeful for a positive result, so in mid-February of 2018, we signed the paperwork and received our instructions for the process to officially begin as soon as I started my next cycle. We felt at peace with the decision, and I began to mentally gear up for what I expected to come the following month. I knew from others’ stories that more aggressive fertility treatments were neither physically nor emotionally easy, but I was focusing as much as possible on the increased chances of success and the benefits of having someone walk with me through every step of the way. When the first of March rolled around, I was ready, excited, and anxious for my cycle to arrive so we could get started.

“I have heard your prayer. I have seen your tears. I will come and heal you.” 2 Kings 20:5

After a few weeks came and went with no sign of it, I was frustrated and impatient, fearful that my system had gone completely off track again. I had grown quite skittish at the thought of home pregnancy tests, having taken so many negative ones over the years, and I was so afraid to hope for anything different. Even when a slight touch of nausea began to creep up on me every day and afternoon cat naps became a regular habit out of necessity, I refused to take that trip to the local pharmacy. Finally, the Lord spoke to me and asked, “Why are you so afraid to take that test? Is your fear of it greater than your faith in Me?” Immediately, peace flooded my heart as I realized how skewed my perspective had been, and I released all those years of built-up fear into His hands. No longer paralyzed by the past, I resolved that, regardless of whether the result was positive or negative, it was high time that I found out for sure and spoke to my doctor. You know, it is amazing how peaceful and more level-headed we become when fear is no longer controlling us.

That Saturday night, on March 24^th, I told Alex I was running a quick errand to the grocery store on the pretense of buying ice cream for us before we settled down to watch a movie. I chuckle now at how cliché it must have looked to the cashier with my two pints of ice cream and a home pregnancy test at the checkout. When I got home, I handed Alex the ice cream and furtively slipped upstairs, this time on the pretense of starting a load of laundry. With a deep breath and one final prayer, I took the test and waited for the results. It was the first time I had ever been able to wait those 3 minutes in a state of peace instead of anxiety. When the timer went off, I whispered, “Lord, may Your will be done,” and stepped up to view the result screen.

This time, there was just one word. Pregnant.

My breath completely caught in my throat as I snatched it up to make sure my eyes hadn’t deceived me. There was absolutely no mistaking that word, that beautiful, beautiful word staring back at me.

I dropped to my knees on the floor of the bathroom, buried my face in the rug, and began sobbing, “Thank You, God! Thank You so much!” There was no way to adequately express the gratitude that was just welling up from the depths of my soul. All the years, all the tears, all the broken dreams, all the pain, and all the fear simply vanished in that sweet moment with Him. He is a good, good Father, and He delights in giving good gifts to His children. I felt so unworthy to have received such a precious gift, but I was overwhelmed with joy and gratitude nonetheless.

After about 5 minutes, I hastily attempted to compose myself so I could share the news with Alex as I had been planning and dreaming of doing for over three years. I took the test and a baby onesie that said “My favorite half-pint” which we had purchased a year and a half earlier from a brewery in Bend, Oregon with the hopes that one day we would see our child wearing it. I wrapped up these items in a gift bag and then added one more special trinket. About a week or two prior to this, I had been doing some yard work and glanced down at a curious object on our driveway. I picked it up and realized it was a little necklace pendant, though how it had ended up on our driveway, I still have no clue. The inscription on the pendant was what had left me reeling. 

It said, “Expect Wonderful Things.” 

I knew God had somehow placed it there for me, and I immediately put it on a chain to wear as a constant reminder. This newfound treasure I also wrapped up in the gift bag and went back downstairs.

“The Lord delights in those who fear Him, those who expect Him to be loving and kind.” Psalm 147:11

Telling him that I had a belated anniversary present for him, I handed Alex the gift bag and a little picture book I had created over a year earlier that recounted many of our adventures together over the 9 years that we’d been married, the last page cryptically captioned “The best is yet to come.” He smiled and thanked me, then pulled out the remaining pieces of the gift. His expression grew more quizzical as he examined the necklace and the onesie, but the long-awaited moment of his seeing the pregnancy test did not disappoint in the slightest. When he read the word Pregnant, he gasped in amazement and burst into tears, asking me, “Really?” I nodded in delight through my own tears, and we sat on the couch for the next 5 minutes, laughing and crying together. He gently pressed his hand to my stomach, and I murmured in wonder, “There’s a baby in there!” After nearly 3 and a half years of trying to conceive, it was hard to wrap our minds around the fact that we were staring at our long-awaited miracle, especially at a time when we least expected it.

Throughout the long journey that brought us to this point, there were two things in particular that I prayed for. First, that one day I would be able to share this story and say “Look what God has done!” My hope is that it encourages other women who are walking the road of infertility. I don't know what God has planned for them, and I don't know what His answer for their prayers will look like, but I do know that He cares about them so much and that He has not forgotten them. Second, that I would be able to say with complete honesty “It was all worth it, and I wouldn’t change a thing.” And looking back over those years, I can truly say that I am so thankful for what we went through, because we needed to grow and be stretched, because other circumstances needed to change first, and because we needed to learn what it means for Jesus to simply be more than enough for us. I can see now in so many ways how intricately God was weaving the tapestry of our story, one moment at a time, and while I did not enjoy it, I am so thankful for the journey, and I truly would not change a thing. I cannot tell you how humbled and honored Alex and I were to receive this miracle from God and how thrilled we were to welcome our son Gryffin into the world. The adventure of parenthood has officially begun!

"For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart." 1 Samuel 1:27

(Halfway) Around the World in 3 Days!

So what was involved in getting our little family from San Antonio to Northeast England? Quite a lot of paperwork and a monumentally complicated journey!

For starters, as an American, Alex needed a certificate of sponsorship from a UK company in order to receive a work visa. Having never really been involved in an immigration process, all we really had from the beginning was a vague idea that it's expensive and complicated. We were soon to discover how true that is!

After the brewery offered Alex the position, they had to apply for a license to be a sponsor. That was not something we were involved in at all, but I can imagine the form to fill out wasn't just a short page of multiple choice questions! They received that license about 4 weeks after submitting their application, and that's when the real waiting game began. The type of sponsorship certificate they needed for this particular position falls into a general category that has an allocated number of slots each month (varying depending on the season). It's a system where each application is assigned a certain number of points, mostly based on the position's intended salary, and the more points assigned, the better the chances are that it will be approved in that month's review. For some time, the system had been so overrun with applications that the chances of a beer brewer getting approved was pretty slim. However, right at the time when Alex's employers were getting ready to submit his application, some changes were made that opened up a lot of slots, which we really see as God's providence over the whole situation. That said, it still took a lot of work on the brewery's part to get the application submitted properly and in time to be reviewed before I was too far in pregnancy to be able to move. We waited (often rather impatiently) from July until September, anxiously counting down the weeks until the baby's due date and doing what we could to prepare for a big international move on both the Texas and England fronts.

In retrospect, we were very thankful for the time we had during that waiting period, not only to handle logistics, but more importantly to invest time in our family and friends. Leaving them behind has absolutely been the bitter part of this transition, and having to rush off in a few weeks instead of a few months would have been very difficult.

Finally, on the morning of September 11, Alex received the highly anticipated phone call from the brewery, saying that their certificate of sponsorship for his position had been approved! We had said all along that if we could move to England by the end of September, we would still be game to attempt it before the baby comes, and lo and behold, that's exactly what happened. Not ideal timing, by any means, but we figured it would probably still be simpler than trying to move with a brand new baby. So that day, the mad scramble to apply for the work visa and finish final preparations for the move began. I have to say, in moments of pure chaos like these, you can't stop and analyze how in the world this is all going to work; you usually just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other until it's done!

Because we had the entire day at our disposal, we were able to submit our application for our work and spouse visas, get our fingerprinting done, AND ship the whole package off for review on September 11, which was quite a feat, to be sure. (By the way, the cost for all of that was, to quote Bing Crosby's character Bob Wallace in White Christmas, "right in between 'Ouch' and 'Boing!'") We celebrated afterwards with a quick bite at Chick-fil-A and then dove right back into the chaos.

Our goal was to leave San Antonio on Wednesday, September 26, which we thought we had enough time for, since we'd paid for an expedited 5-day decision on our visas. The strong recommendation, though, is to wait and book your travel once you actually have your passports returned with the visas in them (even though that often involves buying last minute plane tickets with prices that could make you queasy just looking at them!), just in case there is a delay. In our experience...yes, that is a good plan, because that dreaded delay definitely hit us. Apparently at the same time we were submitting our visa applications, it was the season for all the international university students to submit their applications as well, and wouldn't you know it...they ALL also paid for expedited decisions! So the "5 business days to make a decision" quickly turned into 8 business days for our visas, and there's no way to find out where in the queue your application is, nor how long they expect to get it done. The other caveat we learned about quite painfully was that the visa office makes no promises on how soon after they make their decision that they will return your visas and passports to you. We later found out that our applications had been processed on Friday, September 21, but the parcel was not handed back to UPS until Wednesday, September 26. So, as I said, if you're ever in a situation where you are applying for a visa, I would echo the official recommendation that you hold off on booking travel until you have those items back in hand!

We had gone ahead and moved out of our house in San Antonio completely and turned it over to the property management company who would be handling renting it out while we are overseas. Because international shipping costs are just this side of ungodly, and because we didn't own a lot of items that we were determined to hold onto, we opted to sell or give away most of our household goods and just store a few keepsake items. When our visas and passports finally arrived back to us on the morning of September 27, we frantically booked our travel for that weekend, finished up a few final details for the move, packed as much as we could into 6 suitcases, and got ready to leave on Saturday, September 29. Side note to insert, we owe a HUGE thank you to everyone who bent over backwards to help us make this move happen; we could not have done it without them, especially our family!

The other piece of the puzzle that made this move more complicated, besides my being so far into pregnancy, was our determination to bring our two pugs along with us. They are part of our family and we just couldn't bear the thought of leaving them behind! The first challenge to face, though, is the necessary paperwork for the dogs to have in order to travel: a specific form that must be endorsed by the APHIS central veterinary authority in Austin, and a couple of vaccinations, one which can only be administered within 5 days of arriving in the UK. The other problem is that the UK has strict policies on bringing pets into the country, chiefly that you are not permitted to fly with your pets in the cabin directly there. You either have to fly them as registered cargo with a designated pet air travel coordinator (the cost of which left us reeling), or you have to sail over with them, usually on a ferry from mainland Europe. Since our dogs were under 20 pounds, we opted to bring them onto the plane with us as our carry on and then take the ferry option from Amsterdam. We do not regret bringing them in the slightest--all the trouble was more than worth it to us--but in all honesty, it definitely added a whole layer of complexity to an already stressful process!

One final major wrench in the works occurred just a week before we left San Antonio. Alex sprained his knee pretty badly and had to be on crutches for that entire final week. There's no good time to sprain a knee, but this particular week absolutely set the record for it, especially since I was just hitting 34 weeks of pregnancy. We were quite the pair, let me tell you! Again, major thanks to all who helped us out.

Saying our final, hurried goodbyes, we loaded up the dogs and our 6 suitcases and started out on a journey that could intimidate even the most seasoned traveler. Thankfully, Alex had taken a brilliant suggestion from a friend and reserved wheelchairs for us in all the airports, which were absolute lifesavers! We left Austin airport on Saturday morning and flew to Newark, then did the longer overnight flight from Newark to Oslo, Norway. Exhausted when we arrived, we managed to get through customs with the dogs so I could take them outside to relieve themselves (poor guys had been stuck in their tiny carriers for about 8 and a half hours by that point!). This was when I learned a valuable lesson: ALWAYS have your phone on your person at all times when travelling and NEVER leave it with another member of your party. In my haste to take the dogs outside, I lost track of which door I had gone through, came back into the airport through the wrong one, and spent the next 5 minutes traipsing up and down the corridor trying to find where I had left Alex, having no way to contact him. For his part, it was 100 times more frightening, because when I was delayed coming back to him, he resorted to looking outside for me, and all he knew was that his wife and dogs had gone outside the airport and hadn't come back in! When I finally stumbled back upon the right location, we pulled ourselves together and boarded the final leg of our flight from Oslo to Amsterdam. It felt so good to finish with airports for a while!

Upon our arrival in Amsterdam, though, we hit the most challenging part of the journey. After a short train ride to the central station in the city (narrowly getting all our luggage on and off in time), we discovered a mathematical conundrum: we had 6 suitcases, 2 dog carriers, and only 4 hands between us. Not only that, but train stations aren't equipped with carts and wheelchairs and porters to assist you, like airports are. We finally resorted to dragging 2 or 3 suitcases at a time down the long corridor to the boarding area for the bus that would take us to the ferry, then rushing back to grab the rest of the luggage while still keeping an eye on the ones just a few yards ahead of us. Inching our way down the corridor with no assistance, on a bum leg and a heavily pregnant belly, we literally thought this might be the moment where we wouldn't make it! Oh, but imagine our utter delight when we discovered that the ferry bus boarding areas were at the OTHER END of that long corridor and up on the next floor! Literally at the point of tears, we repeated this inchworm process, thankfully being helped out at the end by a very kind gentleman who noticed our plight. We were beyond grateful once we'd boarded the bus, arrived at the port, and had 3 ferry employees help us get our suitcases into our cabin. Collapsing on the bed in sheer exhaustion, we praised God for getting us that far!

Unfortunately the excitement wasn't quite over, though, because the North Sea happened to be extremely choppy the next morning as we neared Newcastle. Now, I am normally not prone to seasickness and have never had any trouble on regular cruises in the past. But this was a ferry boat, not a cruise liner, and the waves were enough to upset all but the most experienced sailor, so no breakfast for us! We just about kissed the solid ground once we debarked in England. After having to wait 3 hours for our rental car to be ready, we loaded up the dogs and luggage and drove to our AirBnB in a nearby town. I have truly never been so thankful to collapse on a sofa as I was at that moment. Like I said, in moments of pure chaos, you just can't wonder "How is this even working?"; you just do it 'til it's done!

That being said, we are so thankful for a number things on the journey here. Namely, that we were able to line up all the travel (planes, trains, boats, automobiles, and accommodation) for quite reasonable rates, get through all customs with no issues in any of the countries we stopped at, and that the dogs were absolute champions of travel the whole way! It wasn't easy, but it definitely could have been so much worse, so all in all, we are extremely grateful to God for His provision.

All right, that's probably more than enough for now. Thanks so much for reading and congrats if you made it to the end of this part of the tale! Next up, getting settled into our new home....