Part One: On the
Road Marked with Suffering
National Infertility Awareness Week has come around again,
so I thought it would be a particularly fitting time to share the story of our
journey to parenthood, which was not an easy one. We had been trying and
praying and crying out to God for a baby for more than three years before we
found out that our prayers had been answered. Infertility was definitely not a
road we anticipated having to walk, and it proved to be one of the hardest trials
we had ever faced. But our God is bigger and greater than the infertility, and
what He worked on behind the scenes for all that time and ultimately brought to
fruition was more wonderful than we could have ever imagined.
As a quick backstory, Alex and I were 21 when we got
married, and our hope was to wait about 4 or 5 years before having children. We
had spent our entire relationship and engagement 8 hours away from each other
with very little time together in person, so we were eager to begin our
marriage with a season of having time for just the two of us. As we approached
our 6th anniversary, we had worked and grown and enjoyed those years
to the fullest, and we were ready (as much as one can be) to dive into the
exciting and challenging phase of life that parenthood promised. We had
discussed many aspects of parenting over the years, establishing a foundation
of how we believed God wanted us to raise our children, and I’m still extremely
thankful that we were given the time to do that well in advance. I also had
spent copious amounts of time researching the processes of achieving pregnancy,
carrying a baby, delivering a baby, and so on and so forth. We were well
established in our own home with careers that promised more than sufficient
income for the future. In short, from our perspective, there could not be a better
time to grow our family, and because we had waited nearly 6 years by that point, we
were very eager for this.
“In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the LORD
establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9
Little did we know at this moment
that a far different course lay ahead of us, one that would stretch us and
shape us unlike anything else we had previously walked through.
The very month we planned to begin trying to conceive, my system
stopped cycling completely. After a number of weeks, my little worry that
something wasn’t quite right quickly grew into a major concern that something
was very wrong. A visit to my doctor for some testing showed results of polycystic
ovaries and accompanying hormonal imbalance. It didn’t appear too severe of a diagnosis,
though, so the recommendation was to either take some medication to reinstate
my cycles or wait it out a bit longer and see if it self-corrected. Our initial
preference was to find a more natural solution, so I launched a full-scale
action plan of taking multiple herbs and supplements, researching the issue and
any natural remedies I could find, and obsessing over every little sign and
symptom I noticed (often leading to negative pregnancy tests). As a couple, we
spent much time in prayer and fasting for a breakthrough, joined by our family
and closest friends.
When my cycles finally returned after nearly 8 months, we
were ecstatic and certain that our turn to make a pregnancy announcement would
be just around the corner. More than one wise soul recommended that I not become
disappointed if there was still some difficulty in getting my body completely
on track…and they were right. My hopes were slowly dashed again as my system
struggled to normalize over the next 9 months. The pattern was always an
initial phase of faith and hope, courageous prayers and thanksgiving, asking
for prayer, etc. As I failed to see the symptoms I desperately hoped for, my
fear would grow as my faith waned. Despair and frustration would battle against
flickers of hope from day to day. After vacillating about taking yet another
pregnancy test, I would finally bite the bullet…and always come up with a
negative result. The first few days of the next cycle would always be filled
with tears, disappointment, and heartache. Then the pattern would repeat, over
and over and over.
As a side note, one of my least favorite aspects of
infertility is the shadow it often casts on the joy that others experience
first. Every baby is a miracle and every
baby should be celebrated, so I find it heartbreaking when a pregnancy
announcement is bittersweet because it reminds another couple of what they long
for but have either lost or not yet received. Furthermore, it’s also
heartbreaking that there are times when a couple who is expecting has to feel
awkward or even sad about sharing their news with someone else because of the
sorrow it will bring them. I do believe
it’s vital to rejoice with one’s friends or family members in those moments to
celebrate their miracle, and I believe it’s equally important that the first to
conceive not wallow in guilt over their blessing. In the midst of our own
struggle, we were watching so many friends and acquaintances making their
joyous pregnancy and birth announcements. There were times when multiple
friends would announce their pregnancies in the same day, and sometimes these
were friends who were expecting baby number two or even three. Every time, we rejoiced
with them, whether their little one was easy to conceive or had come after
their own struggle. But for the sake of transparency, the truth is that I also shed
tears in secret afterward, particularly when I had had a recent disappointment
of my own. Those disappointments and the unfulfilled longing hurt like nothing
I had ever known before.
After having waited many years to get ready for a family, I
was so eager for motherhood that every month, every week, every day that went
by left me feeling like I was so far behind where I should be. Coupled with
this was anxiety over what supplements I should be taking, what wasn’t
necessary, what I should avoid, what other parts of my diet or lifestyle should
change, etc. My mind and heart were in a constant whirlwind! To brag on my
husband for a bit, Alex was a perfect anchor for me in the midst of this trial.
He was steady when I needed reassurance, he was so loving and sympathetic when
I was in agony, and he would speak specific encouragement to calm my heart and
remind me how much he loved me. Best of all, he NEVER made me feel inadequate in
any way. If I had ever sensed that he blamed me or saw me as broken or
pressured me during this process, I think I might have fallen apart. In all
honesty, I was so fragile with all of the burden I was putting on myself, I
could not have handled any additional pressure. So I thank him with all my
heart, and while I’m on the subject, I also want to extend the same thanks to family
and friends who walked with us during this journey. Every one of you were so
full of encouragement, wanting to know how we were doing, but never being pushy
about it, always offering your genuine love and support to us. I’m extremely
grateful to all of you.
The months continued to roll by, and by the end of 2016, I
was thoroughly emotionally exhausted. Two years of trying to conceive had come
and gone with no success. Two years of wondering how to make plans for the
future when you are actively attempting to have a baby, two years of imagining
how different life would be with a child, two years of feeling like I was
somehow running out of time. Two years of gut-wrenching agony like I had never
known before. In my head, I fully acknowledged that there were others who had
it far worse than I did, and although it was good to get out of my own head for
a time to be reminded that others were hurting, too, there was also fear of the
possibility that I would have to live through exactly what they had to. The truth
is that while all of us who walk the road of infertility share a similar bond,
each story is still unique, and each couple is most familiar with the pain they
personally suffer with. So I still felt a degree of loneliness, swamped by my
own sorrow. Holidays were particularly challenging times. I was usually more
reflective during this season, more prone to think sentimental thoughts and
thus be more mindful of how much we would love to share a special announcement
with the world or be making memories of Baby’s first Christmas. I ended the
year depressed and weary of struggling and suffering, feeling like a failure
for not having enough faith, not being fully surrendered to God on whether we
were supposed to have children or how those children were meant to come into
our family. I just felt thoroughly broken. It was a dark place, but as I’ve
come to learn, places of brokenness can become some of the greatest points of
healing and wholeness in our lives if we will keep moving forward into His
light. We have the choice to remain in the darkness or to step into the light,
and believe me, it is FAR easier to stay collapsed in the darkness, and it’s simply
impossible to move forward in our own strength. I personally faced many days
where I honestly admitted, “I just don’t think I can do this any longer,” and
like I said, what I have faced does not even compare in many ways to what
others have gone through. For all who just don’t have the strength to go on, my
prayer is that you will literally feel Jesus holding you together, keeping you
from falling apart, until you feel enough strength return to take another step
forward and another after that.
Part Two: Expect
Wonderful Things
“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill
His promises to her.” Luke 1:45
Years of hoping and praying for something wonderful and not
seeing God’s answer will force us to make a choice: continue to believe in
God’s goodness or give up and fall into distrust and despair. It is not an easy
choice, even for the strongest person who has walked in intimate relationship
with Jesus for years. Yet no matter the physical outcome, the rewards of
holding on to hope are truly priceless. God’s best and final answer is often
not what we expected or would have planned ourselves, but if we allow Him, His
heart is to do infinitely greater than we could ask or imagine.
The year of 2017 passed in much the same fashion as the
previous years had, with a strong push of faith and hope in the first half that
dwindled to discouragement when nothing seemed to change as the year went on. By
this point, though, I finally reached a point of surrender regarding fertility treatments.
For years I had been fixated on a plan of restoring my body’s reproductive
health naturally; I had tried so many herbs, vitamins, detoxes, chiropractic visits, acupuncture, diet changes, exercising, and more. But there was a point where I needed to surrender my pride and
stubbornness to God and be willing to allow Him to work any way He saw fit. So
we ventured into the waters of fertility treatment with three rounds of Clomid…but
still no success. After the third round, my doctor recommended that we seek
treatment from a dedicated fertility clinic, which was much earlier than I had
expected to have to look into that option. Rather mechanically, I began
researching clinics and scheduled an appointment at one that had received
multiple positive reviews from my friends and connections. We had just passed
the three-year mark of trying to conceive, and I was just emotionally numb by
this point. The staff at the clinic were all amazing, though, and their
professionalism and compassion was just what I needed to reach the final point
of surrender and say, “All right, God, if this is Your plan for our family, I
am ready and willing.”
After a couple of initial tests and bloodwork, Alex and I
met with one of the doctors who walked us through our options and the specific
process for the one we would choose. She was incredibly kind and hopeful for a
positive result, so in mid-February of 2018, we signed the paperwork and
received our instructions for the process to officially begin as soon as I
started my next cycle. We felt at peace with the decision, and I began to
mentally gear up for what I expected to come the following month. I knew from
others’ stories that more aggressive fertility treatments were neither
physically nor emotionally easy, but I was focusing as much as possible on the
increased chances of success and the benefits of having someone walk with me
through every step of the way. When the first of March rolled around, I was
ready, excited, and anxious for my cycle to arrive so we could get started.
“I have heard your prayer. I have seen your tears. I will
come and heal you.” 2 Kings 20:5
After a few weeks came and went with no sign of it, I was
frustrated and impatient, fearful that my system had gone completely off track
again. I had grown quite skittish at the thought of home pregnancy tests,
having taken so many negative ones over the years, and I was so afraid to hope
for anything different. Even when a slight touch of nausea began to creep up on
me every day and afternoon cat naps became a regular habit out of necessity, I refused
to take that trip to the local pharmacy. Finally, the Lord spoke to me and
asked, “Why are you so afraid to take that test? Is your fear of it greater
than your faith in Me?” Immediately, peace flooded my heart as I realized how skewed
my perspective had been, and I released all those years of built-up fear into
His hands. No longer paralyzed by the past, I resolved that, regardless of
whether the result was positive or negative, it was high time that I found out
for sure and spoke to my doctor. You know, it is amazing how peaceful and more
level-headed we become when fear is no longer controlling us.
That Saturday night, on March 24th, I told Alex I
was running a quick errand to the grocery store on the pretense of buying ice
cream for us before we settled down to watch a movie. I chuckle now at how
cliché it must have looked to the cashier with my two pints of ice cream and a
home pregnancy test at the checkout. When I got home, I handed Alex the ice
cream and furtively slipped upstairs, this time on the pretense of starting a
load of laundry. With a deep breath and one final prayer, I took the test and
waited for the results. It was the first time I had ever been able to wait
those 3 minutes in a state of peace instead of anxiety. When the timer went
off, I whispered, “Lord, may Your will be done,” and stepped up to view the
result screen.
This time, there was just one word. Pregnant.
My breath completely caught in my throat as I snatched it up
to make sure my eyes hadn’t deceived me. There was absolutely no mistaking that
word, that beautiful, beautiful word staring back at me.
I dropped to my knees on the floor of the bathroom, buried
my face in the rug, and began sobbing, “Thank You, God! Thank You so much!” There
was no way to adequately express the gratitude that was just welling up from
the depths of my soul. All the years, all the tears, all the broken dreams, all
the pain, and all the fear simply vanished in that sweet moment with Him. He is
a good, good Father, and He delights in giving good gifts to His children. I
felt so unworthy to have received such a precious gift, but I was overwhelmed
with joy and gratitude nonetheless.
After about 5 minutes, I hastily attempted to compose myself
so I could share the news with Alex as I had been planning and dreaming of
doing for over three years. I took the test and a baby onesie that said “My
favorite half-pint” which we had purchased a year and a half earlier from a
brewery in Bend, Oregon with the hopes that one day we would see our child
wearing it. I wrapped up these items in a gift bag and then added one more
special trinket. About a week or two prior to this, I had been doing some
yard work and glanced down at a curious object on our driveway. I picked it up
and realized it was a little necklace pendant, though how it had ended up on
our driveway, I still have no clue. The inscription on the pendant was what had
left me reeling.
It said, “Expect Wonderful Things.”
I knew God had somehow
placed it there for me, and I immediately put it on a chain to wear as a
constant reminder. This newfound treasure I also wrapped up in the gift bag and
went back downstairs.
“The Lord delights in those who fear Him, those who expect Him to be loving and kind.”
Psalm 147:11
Telling him that I had a belated anniversary present for
him, I handed Alex the gift bag and a little picture book I had created over a
year earlier that recounted many of our adventures together over the 9 years
that we’d been married, the last page cryptically captioned “The best is yet to
come.” He smiled and thanked me, then pulled out the remaining pieces of the
gift. His expression grew more quizzical as he examined the necklace and the
onesie, but the long-awaited moment of his seeing the pregnancy test did not
disappoint in the slightest. When he read the word Pregnant, he gasped in
amazement and burst into tears, asking me, “Really?” I nodded in delight
through my own tears, and we sat on the couch for the next 5 minutes, laughing
and crying together. He gently pressed his hand to my stomach, and I murmured
in wonder, “There’s a baby in there!” After nearly 3 and a half years of
trying to conceive, it was hard to wrap our minds around the fact that we were staring at
our long-awaited miracle, especially at a time when we least expected it.
Throughout the long journey that brought us to this point,
there were two things in particular that I prayed for. First, that one day I would be
able to share this story and say “Look what God has done!” My hope is that it encourages
other women who are walking the road of infertility. I don't know what God has planned for them, and I don't know what His answer for their prayers will look like, but I do know that He cares about them so much and that He has not forgotten them. Second, that I would be able
to say with complete honesty “It was all worth it, and I wouldn’t change a
thing.” And looking back over those years, I can truly say that I am so
thankful for what we went through, because we needed to grow and be stretched, because
other circumstances needed to change first, and because we needed to learn what
it means for Jesus to simply be more than enough for us. I can see now in so many ways
how intricately God was weaving the tapestry of our story, one moment at a
time, and while I did not enjoy it, I am so thankful for the journey, and I
truly would not change a thing. I cannot tell you how humbled and honored Alex
and I were to receive this miracle from God and how thrilled we were to welcome
our son Gryffin into the world. The adventure of parenthood has
officially begun!
"For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart." 1 Samuel 1:27
